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September 25th 2003

Life is beautiful.
That's what we're taught.

In case you're wondering what those strange main pages of personal halfquake mean: well it actually means nothing .. it began when maria wrote something on phq and we all thought that she has killed herself.. I started with the victim of the hqa comics, sitting there, waiting for response.. maria's mother told me the next day that maria's here, but won't come online the next days.. so the victim was still waiting, after some time the dragon came and waited with him ..
after that and after I knew that maria's getting better the main page became kinda unnecessary, but I thought it would be nice if I used this page to show my moods.. just pictures and text phrases.. so, all you see there is my mood.. for example the one page in which the background faded to gray was the small hope I had when I came home on monday.. though I wrote a text while being on the train to Wels, a text for a new song .. and I made a small black line, with a small white dot and the alternative text "failure is always the best way to learn and the evidence that we forget what we've learnt"..

actually there is hope in life.. and actually life can be beautiful, life can be satisfying.. when you're standing in the middle of the street, surrounded by red leaves, dancing around you in the slight autumn winds.. you forget everything, your problems, your existence, you leave this world for a short time .. and then.. life means realism, sarcasm, irony, sadness and depressions again ..
behind every beauty lies an embittered truth .. behind love lies the fact that it can get boring after a long time, boring and unsatisfying, it's reality, it's human.. you can only get around if you're a surprising and creative person.. for example I try to keep my love fresh and interesting .. and I mostly succeed..
behind a beautiful landscape lies work, sweating people, people who must clean the places from garbage other people made because they didn't care about the beauty..
everything on this world which can give you hope is actually just the embittered try to forget the reality.. and the reality is that life is a rotten rose..

those pages on phq are also the sad try to do new things, to explore new artistic worlds, to find another world.. I've done it all, I put so much of myself in all the latest projects I did that nothing new and interesting can be found anymore.. I'm an empty bottle, everyone tasted it, some liked it and now the bottle is empty and just an ordinary thing for the recycling cycle.. when I create new things, new songs, drawings and pages, I just recycle myself, I use old ideas and change them a little, maybe mix up with some new experimental ideas from other songs or drawings.. subconscious of course.. but after some time when I take a look at what I've done I know that I've done something like that before..
maybe that's why you can identify paintings from different artists.. because every artist has his/her personal additudes, personal style.. I've got my black and white style in drawings, my depressive and empty style in my songs.. I try to be innovative.. but lately I mostly fail..
that's why I motivate others to complete their worlds.. fredi for example is writing on his own world, he's got the power and the ideas to create a new world, but he's stuck on the usual "unmotivated-cause-it's-such-an-effort"-problem.. I'm trying to motivate him everytime I get the chance.. I always get sad when I see new worlds coming up and then get left behind because its creator couldn't live with the whole summoning process...

I want to create new worlds.. I want you to feel what I feel, to see what I see.. I want you to see that there are other roses, roses which are still alive and healthy..
but my inspirations are drying out .. maybe I've done everything I could do in this life.. I'm a broken light bulb.. and maybe it's time to get replaced..

September 05th 2003


Dear sadists, I proudly present the following project by theawake, sirion and myself:

HQA: The Present

You get more informations if you follow the link above.

The winner of the last tshirt contest is: Loony99! Congratulations!

September 01st 2003

Oh my god of sadism.. You see how time passes? Exactly one year ago Halfquake Amen got released. I remember two guys who were waiting for it in the farm board and writing stuff like "Hey it's September 1st, where's Halfquake Amen?". Then a few days later the first review appeared on HL Atlas and the guy who's responsible for this site even supported us with the first download mirror.
Well, I guess summarized I can say Halfquake Amen became a success. People listen to its soundtrack on the way to work, others buy Halfquake tshirts or even HQA-ish-looking ties (no kidding!), some see HQA as a hope for their lifes and a few people even try to make a reality of its story.
Personal Halfquake was the next step to take for the growing Halfquake fan community. Some loved it and still do, some loved it and hate it now and some didn't even try. But then PHQ became a small community of people who didn't know that there are people out there who think like them. PHQ became a place where individualists gather and discuss about life, philosophy, halfquake and more.
And now some even try to get back to the roots. The first Halfquake.

In the fall of 2000 on a LAN party while others were playing Diablo II and betas of Counter-Strike two guys called muddasheep and blackjack were sitting in front of muddasheep's pc and playing Quake 1.

MS: "I love this architecture! And all this sadism, oh man did you see that?"
BJ: "Yeah, it's just brilliant."
MS: "Maybe we should make something like that for Halflife, you know?"
BJ: "Maybe... Do you know the movie called 'Cube'?"
MS: "Hmm.. no?"
BJ: "Hehe, I haven't seen it yet, but I like its story. It's about a few people who get stuck in a place with lots of cubes and in some of the cubes there are deadly traps."
MS: "And is there an explanation why they are caught in this place?"
BJ: "No, that's the point. They're just there. No reason."
MS: "Hehe, I like it. Maybe we should really try to combine those things. Let's say.. you get caught because you did something wrong in the past and now you get tortured. And we're laughing at them and their sufferings."
BJ: "Good idea! But how do we call it?"

I can't recreate the last words we've spoken and I can't remember all the names we've created. Most of them were really funny ("CubeQuake") and in the end we decided to call our modification "Half-Quake", a silly combination of Halflife and Quake. Of course, we didn't know what we were going to make, otherwise we'd have chosen a better name.
A few minutes later I started to make the first level including a short intro and a sample of manson's "beautiful people".
During the making of Halfquake (sorry, Half-Quake) I still went to school and around February I had some serious psychic problems which lasted for about one month. The portal map before Somos was made during this month which should be quite self-explanatory. Blackjack and I also visited a Manson concert which was one of the most important things in my life. This was also the time when we both started to make our emoticons the "wrong" way. For example ":)" turned out to be "(:".
And finally on April 19th 2001 after about 5 months of work Half-Quake got released. It took a few months until we got our first fan mails and reviews. But most people just hated it because of its sadism. We enjoyed it. And we even used some comments on the first one for a commercial for Halfquake Amen, about 5 months later.
On September 18th 2001 Half-Quake2 got started. We knew that this name wasn't that what we were looking for and so we decided to think about a subtitle for our second mod. Again I can't remember the names we've thought about but we all know what made it to the first place: Halfquake Amen.
I also remember the first room I've made. It was totally new for me being in an absolutely dark room with a large letter field. But I liked it. And so did blackjack.
After one year of torturing myself and having nightmares of Somos I finally released Halfquake Amen on September 1st 2002.

People liked it, people enjoyed it and some people didn't get it and hated it ("stupid level design", "n00b texture scaling", "no storyline", "too difficult", "not possible without cheating"). I almost won 20,000 Euro and a laptop and almost got a deal with a commercial guy from Vienna. Almost. Which means: I didn't get it.

And now?
My future is as empty as my past is full.
The inspiration is gone. Reality caught me. Real life sucks. The government sucks. And as if Manson could read my mind he sang in his stupid new song: "Everything has been said before, nothing left to say anymore."

My world is gone. And I want to get back to where I came from. I want to escape. Escape from the maze of life.

August 26th 2003

The sheep of insanity is back from The Vacation Of Fate.
The good things first.
We bought a Playstation 2 and played Shadow Hearts, Tekken Tag Tournament, Crash Bandicoot - The Wrath of Zortak and of course Final Fantasy X. And we were together the whole time, enjoying it. And I didn't have to go to work and I could find some new ideas for my next project.
Now I tell you the negative sides of the vacation.
My girlfriend broke her left little toe, we had to take care of the grave of her grandfather on the cemetary each day (light the candle, water the flowers), we had to take care of all flowers and plants in both flats, take out the dustbins, etc... we had to take care of her grandmother, especially her wound on her right foot, we had to decide what we all should eat and her grandmother isn't that easy on that one, and we always had to wash the dishes after meal, my girlfriend's cat died and she cried almost two nights and days, her mother also cried and I saw the fight between the veterinarian and the cat Silver who had attacked us because of a cancer we didn't know it had, and after he had taken a look into its throat he told us that it would be better when he puts it down, not only better for Silver, but also better for us, so after it was dead we stroke its fur and cried, then my girlfriends mother buried it with the help of some old friends in a garden beneath a large tree, we visited the grave at night and said goodbye for the last time.. then we took our second cat Spirit to our flat where we slept, because Spirit was in the flat of the grandmother before.. yes, everything's very complicated..
All in all in these four weeks of vacation we were tired, sweating in the heat, and really really pissed.
But at least we were together. Most of the time we couldn't enjoy it, but yet it still was good. Because if my girlfriend had to do that all alone it would be a lot worse.
My girlfriend's hometown is kinda like the City Of Death to me. Almost every year someone near to us dies. Last year it was her grandfather and the other grandmother. This year it was her cat Silver, it meant everything to her and now a part of my girlfriend is gone with the cat.
But it's not only in this city, it's everywhere around me actually. This year my grandfather died, the one who had the talent to entertain people, to make music, the one who gave me the talent to continue his musical ways.
In this four weeks of "vacation" I thought a lot about my future, my next steps, my next projects. There is a need for something new inside of me. I thirst for new grounds to explore, new abilities to develop. But I don't want to give up my old worlds. Not at any price.
But what happens if I don't have the time any more to do creative works, to create worlds out of my mind and to take care of them? I don't want to be surrounded by disappointed people, I don't want to be left alone anymore, just because the republic wants me to waste years of my life just to be actually able to live.
I dream of a place where we all can meet, hang around, eat and drink together. I really think that it would be possible to create a restaurant for depressive people, I even think that something like that already exists, but I won't hand out any alcohol or drugs. Depression is the worst drug anyway.
And pospi, I am with you all the time, I read your entries on your page, including the hidden ones and all I can do is wish you better times, I would do more if I could, I would meet you and talk to you and try to cheer you up, but at this distance I can only say:
Dude, you're one of us and you're gonna make it.

Stay dead.

July 25th 2003

H4ndy released a new version of BombVictims, now including a hot'n'freaky multiplayer mode!
Get it here or from the farm's stuff section..

I'm on vacation for the next three weeks.. recovering my body and soul.. thinking about the new worlds.. there are so many things to discover.. I can't wait to pick them up and show them to you all ...

Stay dead.




The Farm