Carana, where are you? I've been looking for you in my dreams, but not even there I had any luck finding you. Where are you? Why are you hiding from me? What have I done to you?
Carana, never mind. Just never mind. Even if you were coming for me, you would be too late. It is too late.
The king and three guards visited me this morning. One of the guards was wearing leather gloves and holding two instruments, blacksmith tongs and a hot glowing dagger. The gate was opened, two guards stormed at me and brought me down to the ground, pulling my head up by my hair. The guard with the instruments came closer. The tongs pushed hard against my mouth and I kept it shut as fiercely as possible. I got kicked in the side and a hand brutally forced my mouth open, the tongs were coming closer. I screamed and tried to throw the two men off me, but every effort to resist was in vain. Cold metal grabbed my tongue with uncompromising strength. I felt tears running down my cheeks because of the pain. I saw another hand moving the dagger closer, feeling the warmth in my face. The blade scorched my lips, and I felt it slowly cutting through the soft flesh of my tongue - and I fainted.
It was dark outside already when I regained consciousness. In the dim light of the candle I saw that the cell had been cleaned. No spiders, no foul food, no blood, and Tartek was gone. I kept lying on the ground for a very long time. Turning my head towards the gate I saw a plate with fresh food and water.
Then an eternity later the princess appeared in jail.
"Eat something," I heard her distant voice. "Please."
I wanted to ask her... about everything, my mind craved answers, but my mouth wouldn't open. My lips were swollen and the blood was sticking them together. I lacked the strength to break them free.
"They're transferring you to the East Wing. Your training will begin tomorrow. You need to eat and drink," the princess said again. "Or all my efforts of trying to save your life will be for nothing."
Saving my life. So she did this to me. Why couldn't she just kill me? I thought I could kill myself. Get rid of everything, the pain, the people, the needs, the responsibilities, the worries. I could have ended it right there. Force the pencil through my neck.
But no, Carana. You won't let me, will you? You wouldn't let me if you were here. But you aren't here. Yet. You will come, Carana. You will come to me, I know it. You're the only one left I can trust, you hear? I love you. I trust you. Please don't throw me away. Please ...
I have always wondered which words would fill the last page of this journal. Now that I know I wish I could go back. I wish my mind was able to forget. I hope the journal will live on for me. The small window in this jail leads into an alley. Perhaps my book will be found and its content be read and told to relive the past two months for me - again and again ...